and its been a year

I can hardly believe that nearly two years have gone by since this journey began.
With that realization comes the reminder that Sherri has also been gone for the same amount of time.
There isnt a day that goes by that I don't think of Sherri in one way or another.

Ella eases those feelings.

Baby Mama was a great support system to me through the 17+ hour labor.
I cant forget Ella's Safta (grandmother) who helped me make it through the difficult final stage of labor. Thank you so very much.

Going back to December 30, 2009 .... my awesome husband drove 6 hours to the hospital to pick me up, 24 hours after Ella was born.
I decided to go home quickly for a number of reason, not the least of which was my family and I were eager to get our lives back to normal.

Ella's Mom,Dad, brother and extended family were all loving up on her and it was time for me to go ... this leg of our journey had come to an end.

I am sure many of you have questions about my feelings at this point.
Honestly, when I was carrying Ella, I felt confident that I would have no problem handing her over to her family.
I did have the nagging feeling that I might be sad when the time came ... simply from the change in hormones, etc.

I never did have that feeling. I am not sure any feeling could ever replace the overwhelming joy I felt when I saw the faces of Ella's parents and her grandparents right after she was born.
After my initial feelings of relief that I had survived the delivery at my old age ;)
I was truly amazed at how naturally the events just unfolded.
It was as if that is how everything in the world was meant to be, and I was at peace.

There are times I even have to remind myself that I gave birth to someone else's baby. Psychologically, I was so well prepared for my role as a gestational carrier and that made the transition perfect for me.
I was always committed to helping my friend make her family complete, everything else simply fell into place.

We have had many milestones in the past year and I have seen Baby Mama and the family quite often (although not as often as we'd like)
We were able to spend Ella's birthday together and my daughter Sofia made her a little cake.

Its been a crazy ride.
I am so enjoying being Ella's auntie and my heart nearly explodes when I see this family together ... to be able to have a part in completing the family of a friend that you love ... is incomparable to any other feeling I have ever had.
I look forward to sharing this next step in our journey.

Welcome to the world Gabriella Marjorie Susskind!

Alright so it was brought to my attention that by not updating I left the impression that something could be wrong (for those not following on facebook). So I claim sleep deprivation. I have lots and lots to write, but my brain is still fried, so here are the basics:

Our miracle, Gabriella Marjorie Susskind entered the world at 10:19pm on Tuesday, December 29, 2009. She weighed 7lbs 12.5 oz and was 21 inches long. She and Egg Basket are both doing well. Egg Basket was a rockstar who made this whole delivery thing look easy. Egg Basket returned home to her family after 24 hours and she and I are in regular touch. She is feeling well both physically and emotionally (so don't ask her!).

Gabriella (also called Ella but NOT Gabby) is amazing. She is beautiful and perfect and I am enjoying every moment with her. Even those late night awake sessions are a chance for me to just have quiet time with her and appreciate her presence. Her big brother is doing better. The first week was a bit dicey, but he realizes she is here to stay and is now being very sweet. He sings to her, reads to her, hugs and kisses her..and only occasionally tells her she is "ruining his life" :)

That is all for now..I will have lots more to say about this whole journey, but right now, my hands are a bit full :)

quick share from the delivery room

Egg Basket calls this pic "last day on the inside". It is now 1 pm and we have been here at the hospital since 7am...today is the big day. We are all ready...and now we wait....

Dont cry because its over, smile because it happened

Well, as you all now know, the 3 hour GTT was normal... obviously a good thing from the health perspective... a bit of a bummer to our hopes of delivering early.

Now we will focus on making it through the next week... at this point, an early arrival would be a pain for all of us.
I have noticed that the baby has stopped her intense abuse of my internal organs and is content with mere squirming and pushing.
This is a welcome change (minus the times when, I swear, she is attempting to head butt my pelvic bones)

Today was our first (and only) non-stress test. They did a quickie ultrasound to measure fluid and everything looked great.
The doctor declined to check for dilation today, for fear of "stirring things up" prior to our planned induction next week.

This was a-ok with me because I am not a fan of this particular doc. His bedside manner died sometime back in the 80's when he probably should have given up practicing medicine ... he is older than dirt as it is. In fact, he probably has boxer shorts older than Baby Mama HAHA!
At least this visit he reviewed the file and didn't mistake us for lesbian partners... I was kinda sad to see that perception end, the possibilities for amusing myself at his expense were endless!

This may (or may not) be my last blog post before the big day.
I am currently musing over my reflections of the past 11 months. I am formulating a post-delivery blog post with these thoughts.
It should be pretty entertaining, so stay tuned!

On a sad note, we are approaching the 1 year anniversary of when Baby Mama and I reconnected.
It is bittersweet for me.
On January 14th, it will also be the 1 year anniversary of the unexpected loss of my sister-in-law, Sherri.
This week was the week we always spent making gingerbread houses and gift baskets to deliver to our friends.
We spent an entire week, decorating houses, baking yummy candies and pastries and completely destroying her kitchen.
I laugh to myself at how Patsy (my brother-in-law) would (half)jokingly complain about how we would make such a mess that the kitchen would likely never be found again.
I cry at the thought of the two years after Patsy's death that Sherri, Hayley and I made our goodies with tears in our eyes, knowing that we wouldn't ever again hear Patsy make his obligatory protests to our annual tradition.

Next year, I will continue the tradition and smile through my tears because I know Patsy and Sherri will be watching. Patsy will be shaking his head with a Bud in his hand and Sherri saying “Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way.”

Sad endings, new beginnings....

biting my nails

Yesterday I got a call... a call from God.
Ok it wasn't actually from God, it was from Kathy... the nurse at my doctor's office.
But to me, for that one moment in time, she was God.
Now normally, she would be bearing bad news with what she said... yesterday, she was singing music to my ears.

Due to a lab screw-up, my 28 week bloodwork results never made it to the Dr.'s hands.
Now, not to be sidetracked, I LOVE the lab in East Haven ... the people there are pleasant ... but damn are they horrible at getting the results to where they need to be!
They have lost my results twice and Len's once... that is a pretty crappy track record.

So I went to the lab in the town I live in this time. And they really are an unpleasant group of folks.
Let's just say they didn't do well in the "bedside manner" class in phlebotomy school!
I think what happened is, the people who fail in that class, all get sent to the lab in my town so they can be cranky together... a "misery-loves-company" kind of thing!

At any rate, as they miserably did their job on Monday, turns out my 1 hour glucose tolerance test came back high-ish.
What this means for me is that I need to do the 3 hour glucose tolerance test..... complete with fasting and all that good crap!

What this means for US is much better....the doc has agreed to deliver early if the 3 hour GTT comes back high as well. He feels that this is safe at this point (less than 2 weeks from the scheduled induction)

WOOT!

So I sat in the miserable place, starving,tired and nauseous for 4 hours... listening to the miserable employees complain for 3 hours straight about some medical assistant at a doctor's office who was rude earlier in the day.

For those of you who don't know, the glucose liquid for the 3 hour test, is twice as sweet/strong as the drink for the 1 hour test.
Chugging that back on an empty stomach was akin to drinking 10 oz of orange flavored Karo syrup... !
So there I sat, in the office, stomach heaving, trying to hold down this concoction from hell (or I would be subjected to it again the next day!) curled in a fetal position in a chair with my jacket over my head, sucking my thumb and waiting for the first hour from hell to ... just ... end!

The employees voices permeated through my jacket and made that hour seem like an eternity.

I did get a reprieve in hour 3, as my stomach settled and all but 1 employee left for Wendy's (yes, I know they went to Wendy's and I know they ordered a taco salad, a Baconator combo (single)and two Frosty's ... it is forever seared in my brain... oh and one of the ladies bought ketchup for the entire facility to use ... in case you care ... which I didn't, but had to hear about it on a nauseous stomach anyway)

And now, I am home, in the blissful quiet of my house ... awaiting the (good) news that this baby can come NOW!!!

Please join me in what may be the only known wish-fest for a person to actually WANT/HAVE gestational diabetes... because I love ya guys, but I am SO DONE!

the home stretch

First order of business... my apologies for the lack of blogging!
I will say, I was pretty convinced that this pregnancy was going to progress much in the same way as the last 5...
Needless to say... it hasn't.
I think I forgot the part where, this time, I am old!
For any of you out there wondering.... 42 is INDEED old.
There is a very good reason why we old ladies don't, generally, have babies.
our bodies simply cant handle it.
I have been sick, more or less, the entire time.
I NEVER had morning sickness before... let alone this all-day sickness.
Chasing after a crazy 3 year old certainly doesn't do much to help the situation.

I have lots of things stored in my brain for when I have the energy to write (while Baby Mama and Daddy are up for late night feedings, I will be working on recording many of my thoughts, which have been filed away for later use)

I know that there are many unasked (and asked) questions about how I "feel" about this process.... and generally, I feel largely the same as I felt when I made the decision to do this in the first place. The physical toll has been greater than I had expected, emotionally... everything is consistent with my expectations.

I wish I had felt well enough to be more interactive on the blog, however I hope to be able to fill in more details once the baby arrives and I am feeling more physically well.

The Dr.prescribed phenergan which has done a great deal for the nausea I have been experiencing... the down side is, phenergan has a very strong sedative effect and I spend alot of time dozing off.

I still have lots to do to prepare for the holidays, and there is always the looming sense that the baby will surprise us with an early arrival.
I have never gone into labor early... however the one thing this experience has shown me is that what I have experienced in the past is merely a crap shoot and anything goes!

I will say, I am having no signs that anything is impending at this point.

The most exciting thing that I have done recently was take a Saturday trip into New York City.
I went to a book signing in Chelsea Market and met Ree Drummond aka The Pioneer Woman.
She was a real sport and signed 7 books for me (and my needy friends)
I would have loved to talk with her longer, however she had a slew of people waiting to have books signed and I had 42 year old legs aching for a place to sit down.
If you don't know who Ree is, please check out her website at
http://thepioneerwoman.com/

I assure you, you will love her story(s), her sense of humor, her photos (her Nikon D3x made my D2Xs jealous ... LOL) and her recipes.
I have tried many of her recipes and they do not disappoint!

After the signing, my hubby... the gem that you all know he is, took me to Williams-Sonoma in Stamford and spoiled me with a new Kitchen Aid pro series, an ice cream maker attachment and an All Clad electric griddle YAY!

So ladies and gentlemen, now we wait for the little miss to make her grand entrance... all I ask, is that the hospital have the epidural ready and waiting and that someone (anyone) have my martini waiting!

Cheers!

Is that a baby or a lion?

This is a profile picture..she is looking up

This is a very grouchy face..look sideways towards the top of the picture

And this is just a closer picture of her face...her arm is next to her head (also sideways)

Sorry it has taken me so long to get these pictures up- I had technical issues. Three separate scanners didn't work so finally I took a picture of the pictures..not perfect, but good enough that you can see our beautiful daughter :)

Two weeks ago Egg Basket made the torturous journey here to Maryland. It is a very difficult journey since she does not live close to the airport, traveled alone with her three year old and is more than 8 months pregnant! Still, she braved the journey to come and meet with the doctor here in Maryland and attend the small baby shower that my sister and close friend threw for me.

First an update on the doctor appointment- We started with an ultrasound that went really well once I restrained from ripping off the nurse's face who said that only the father could come back to the room. Now in fairness, Baby Daddy and Baby Grandma where both there so I guess we looked like quite a crowd ..but the nurse clearly did not look at the file and realize this was a gestational pregnancy- ultimately she was very nice, but we had a tense beginning.

The baby cooperated for the lovely pictures above and we had a great delight in that they were able to see the baby's hair in the 2D ultrasound! She has so much that it was sticking up all over the place and we could see it. Egg Basket has been telling me she has terrible heartburn and so knew the baby had a head of hair, but it was great to see it. Now before you naysayers all start telling me it will fall out, it sometimes doesn't if it is thick, and if they can see it on the u/s it is likely thick..so let me live in my fantasy world of my daughter and her lion mane :)

The other highlight of the u/s involved Egg Basket's three year old. She is the spunkiest, smartest and most adorable little girl I know. For obvious reasons, Egg Basket has not told her that she is pregnant and since the three year old has no real prior reference, she just thinks Egg Basket is getting fat :) Well, she came into the ultrasound and stood on a chair next to Egg Basket and watched the screen...as the nurse pointed out the legs, arms, etc, the three year old decided they were "drawing a picture on mommy's tummy"...a very smart way to make sense of what was happening on the screen and very cute!

Anyway, the baby looked great and then we met with the doctor who agreed to do an induction!This is great news because as many of you know Connecticut recently changed their GC laws and will only allow genetic parents on a birth certificate. Since it is not my egg, they would allow Baby Daddy's name, but I would have to adopt whereas Maryland allows both of our names (with a court order which we already have) on the BC from the beginning. The doctor agreed to do the induction a week before the due date (putting us around December 28th) and can schedule it one week before that, meaning we should know the exact date around the 21st. Now we just have to hope the little princess doesn't decide on arriving early. Granted, Egg Basket might appreciate that..she has been very sick (virus) and is actually losing weight..constantly nauseous and barely able to eat...she is looking forward to evicting our little troublemaker and we are looking forward to welcoming her :)

Next- my sister and great friend through me a small informal baby shower..it was amazing. As some of you know there is a Jewish tradition of not bringing things into the house before the baby is born- so I didn't have a shower before- but this time around, we decided the celebration with my close friends and family was appropriate. It has been a long journey and one I couldn't have survived alone. It was nice to celebrate with those so intricate to this journey and to have the chance to thank them all (not to mention show off the baby's room!). My sister went above and beyond, creating adorable diaper invitations, an amazing diaper cake and cooking the best desserts a girl could ask for. My friend E opened her home, provided the wine and took great care of all who attended. and for the record- this child will be so much better dressed than I ever am :)

Finally, for this keeping score- still no milk. I have moved on to the hospital grade mechanical pump 6 times a day for 10 minutes a time. It has been 3 weeks on the pump and besides sore nipples, I don't have much to show :( However, the gurus say you usually start seeing drops around 4 weeks, so we shall see. I also added mother's milk tea (3x a day) and an herbal supplement (3 x a day)...I feel like a crazy person constantly looking at the clock to see if I need to pump, pop pills, or drink tea. I also purchased a supplemental feeding system so I can "nurse" her with formula if I have to to try to bring in milk...we shall see..

Tomorrow I head to CT to begin our weekly appointments..will update again soon :)

32 weeks and counting (still!)

There is my baby! Egg Basket looks beautiful doesn't she?

So funny story...I took the train up to Connecticut on Monday afternoon for our doctor's appointment on Tuesday morning..as an aside- train was MUCH better than driving. Anyway, Egg Basket has to see all the doctor's in the practice - standard practice even though we don't intend for the baby to be born in CT- so each time we meet a new doctor, I always wonder if they read the file and know this is a gestational pregnancy ..I would guess this guy didn't...

First of all he was a curmudgeonly old dude..he didn't introduce himself to me..came in, listened to the baby's heartbeat (sounds great!) and asked if Egg Basket had any questions..then he confirmed that she didn't want the flu vaccine or the H1N1 vaccine. So I said that I had a question, if Egg Basket got the flu or H1N1 would there be any effect on the baby? The doctor gave me the dirtiest, meanest look and said "No, but you know she (meaning Egg Basket) could die from it"...of course, I was asking because I respect that Egg Basket's body is hers and if it is just about her, then it is totally her choice and I wouldn't say anything, but I wanted to be sure...

Anyway, he clearly thought I was an asshole and didn't care about her..at that point I realized, he probably thinks I am her "lesbian lover"...and a callous one at that :)

Most importantly, both Egg Basket and baby are doing fine and we are getting closer...Next week Egg Basket comes here to meet with the doctor's here....we will have lots to update then :)

Does the waiting NEVER end???

Alright..so I am a bit behind on my blogging...besides preparing for the arrival of our little princess, I have been trying to finish my dissertation proposal...coupled with my trips up to Connecticut, busy time at work, and all the "normal" responsibilities, I just haven't had time so please forgive me, but here is an update...
First of all- how cool that our ticker is less than two months now? It says 1 month and 30 days :)
I went up to CT last week for our 30 week appointment...everything is great. Egg Basket looks good, and her tummy measured well. As she laid down for the doctor to measure her stomach size, I wasn't feeling her because I was holding Egg Basket's three year old who was asleep..so I guess the baby realized I couldn't feel her and gave a nice big kick that I could see (from all the way across the small room!) That is my big tough girl!
Egg Basket says she is very active- so much for sleeping ever again once she arrives...not that I am complaining. Her heartbeat once again was in the mid 140s, which has been where she has been all along...and the doctor said she likely weight between 3-4 pounds now. It is really a bit surreal at the moment. We are now on to seeing the doctor every two weeks so I am heading back up next week for our 32 week appointment.
In terms of updates, all the legal stuff is now worked out and I am still trying to induce lactation..no milk yet, but hopefully it will come. Still no name for this baby either
Right now, the hardest part is the just waiting..I feel like time has slowed down...guess most pregnant women feel that way at this point too...next update next week :)

and one small kick for mama!

This picture was taken last week at 25 weeks... Egg Basket so generously sent (and agreed to allow me to post) it. Isn't she beautiful? (and I mean both shes).

Yesterday was 26 weeks..an important milestone since most docs feel this is the age of viability. I drove up to Connecticut Thursday night for our monthly doctor's appointment on Friday (and then drove back Friday night). Baby and Egg Basket are both doing great! Baby's heartbeat was 142 BPMs and Egg Basket both looks and seems to feel pretty good.

But the most exciting part of my trip came just before I left...Many of you know that Egg Basket has a 3 year old daughter. She hasn't yet figured out that anything is going on in Egg Basket's tummy and so the decision was made that if she asks, Egg Basket will tell her, but if she doesn't, then better to not try and explain. Because of this situation, I do not fondle Egg Basket's tummy in front of the 3 year old (makes sense, right?) which means the whole time I was there, I was dying to put my hands on her stomach and see if I could feel my daughter moving around, but I totally restrained myself. Then right before I was getting ready for the drive back, the 3 year old fell asleep. I asked Egg Basket if the baby was moving and of course she wasn't..she was too busy sleeping. So Egg Basket started poking her trying to get her to move for me...it wasn't really working...but I decided that as I kissed Egg Basket goodbye, I'd give a poke too...and then like the mini miracle she is, she moved! It was so amazing...I felt like she was saying hi to me! Sometimes it really is the *small* things that make your day :)

Finally...Baby Daddy and I are back to negotiating a name..I was so sure we had agreed on one, but Baby Daddy isn't loving it...I am really starting to think she is gonna be "hey you!"..sigh..any suggestions?

A Stubborn Princess

This is the proof that she is a girl...her tush is facing the camera and the arrow points out her "girl parts"..ya for girls! This is her foot..look closely on the left of the picture and you can count all 5 toes!

And no posting would be complete without a view of her face!

So we had our ultrasound and echo-cardiogram on Friday. First we went for a regular check up where the doc told Egg Basket that she was doing great...and little Miss Baby didn't want to stay still for a constant heartbeat..every time the doctor touched her with the little Doppler, she moved. It seemed like her heartbeat was in the 160s, but hard to tell.

Then we went to the ultrasound and echo. Again, she was being pretty stubborn- the echo took an hour and a half, the doctors had Egg Basket contorting into all kinds of positions because the baby was transverse with her back to Egg Basket's tummy which was causing her spine to cast a shadow over her heart. No matter what the doctors and nurses tried, she refused to roll over..she had no problem kicking- which was a pretty cool thing to watch onscreen, but refused to move. Guess the stubborn genes have kicked in! Still, docs say everything looked great. She weighs 14 ounces (so almost doubled in 3 weeks time!) and all organs looked healthy, including the heart.

Of course this was the appointment we decided to bring big brother too to "see" his sister. Needless to say, he got restless and so it was hard to tell how much he got. I think he realizes she is in there and she belongs to us, but hard to know if he really understands that he was looking at her. He was very interested in how it worked, how could they see through Auntie Egg Basket's skin? Still, he did come home and tell everyone about his sister and when he went to meet his first grade teachers today, he explained to them all about gestational carriers and how we are having a baby that is in Auntie Egg Basket's tummy in Connecticut. He his still looking for lots of reassurance that we won't love her more than him, but this week, at this moment, he is excited she is coming and wants to help paint her room.

This was a rough visit as we had just returned from Hawaii two days before and we were really off in terms of time and sleep. I must publicly apologize to Egg Basket for putting up with all of our crankiness. Not only does she carry our baby, but she puts up with us too, now that is love :)

I will write more soon, but really wanted to get these pictures posted.

Happy 22 weeks!

Just thought I'd mention....

WE ARE MORE THAN HALF WAY THERE!!!!!

Today is 21 weeks and 2 days!!! wow..would have posted on the big 20 week day but I was incommunicado. I think it was a good vacation..and probably Egg Basket had a good vacation from me too :) (pretty terrible cell phone service in Hawaii)

We head up to CT tomorrow night for two appointments on Friday..a regular check up and an echo-cardiogram..we are bringing the big brother-to-be to the ultrasound..I will post when we get back and give you all the update on how it goes :)

I also just wanted to take a minute to thank you all for your incredible support...I honestly and truly couldn't make it through without all of you encouraging us, supporting us, and just being there to listen. They say it take a village to raise a child..we all know it takes a village to get one here too :)

Not a morning person?

So maybe she isn't a morning person! Look very closely at the picture above, that is her arm in the center (white blur) with her hand resting on her forehead...I decided she was annoyed because we were bothering her so early in the morning :) Baby Daddy just thinks that she is a drama queen (already!). Either way, yesterday was the organ scan and the docs said her organs all look great...nice brain and four chambers in the heart..phew! She weighs about a half of a pound right now. It seems that she is growing well..we go back August 28th for an echo-cardiogram (do these tests ever end?) Oh, and her heartbeat was in the 150s...the most beautiful sound (although as my friend pointed out, does sound a bit like a washing machine!)

My other update is on breast feeding..as most of you probably know, I will NOT be taking any of the medications necessary to induce lactation. However, I will try to induce mechanically without drugs...The good news was that I had lots of blood work done which showed I am still in remission (it is 5 years and one month!) but there was just too much risk that the drugs and herbs could cause a relapse...and as much as I want this, I can't take that risk. So about 6-8 weeks before she is due, I will just start pumping and see what happens.

I also wanted to address the "perspective" entry from Egg Basket. First, I want to reiterate how grateful Baby Daddy and I are to Egg Basket for being on this journey with us..no matter how difficult it has gotten (or gets) I am still glad that we embarked on this journey..together. As Egg Basket mentioned, it isn't always easy..for any of us. Some days I think I am doing so well holding it all together and giving Egg Basket space and other days I want to slap myself (can't imagine what she wants to do to me!). I think ultimately the fact that we all keep our eyes on the big picture and that we really and truly have a bond of love is what helps us through. Sometimes, for me, I have to express the emotion to get to the acceptance. I can accept that we will do whatever we have to, but I often say that doesn't mean I have to like it (in re the legal issues especially).

One of the worst parts of infertility is the total and overwhelming feeling of powerlessness. Procreation is often a very personal experience between a couple, one that takes place behind closed doors between two people..ours is more like a national production. I have no control over any of this process, from whether it worked to what my baby hears in utero or is nourished with, to where she is born...clearly my trust in Egg Basket is implicit and none of my powerlessness it about her, it is just situational. Still, as we struggle to all be kind to one another, to respect each other's feelings, and to make sure everyone's needs are met I feel those powerless emotions rising up. I know that many women probably feel that their bodies are being taken over while pregnant and probably feel powerless too, but sometimes I wonder whether there is any precedent here. It is Egg Basket's body, her life, but our baby...it often feels like a very fine line...I am the kind of woman who likes to control things and be organized, so perhaps this is a good lesson for me to let go of that which I can't control and just accept that what will be will be.

Each day we get a little closer to meeting our daughter, a little closer to the miracle that Egg Basket is giving us..each day I remind myself that THAT is what this is about...my daughter...and I would journey to the ends of the world and back for her, so this is nothing, right?

perspective

Ahhhh… week # 18.
Almost ½ way there!
I know, its been awhile. Boy! the all day sickness really whacked me harder than I had ever anticipated!
This has certainly been more difficult than my previous pregnancies.
A bout with migraines adding insult to injury. Weeks 8 to 16 were pretty horrific.
But here I am, at week 18…. Feeling much improved and ready to handle the challenges ahead.
Because I am not an overly demonstrative person, this process has been an interesting challenge for me. Acknowledging how much I care for Baby Mama and how much I want her to realize her dreams… I have also had to do a great deal of personal reflection.
There are many things that, frankly, I had failed to truly process when making this commitment.
Having other people intricately involved in my daily life for starters. It was (and, at times, continues to be) difficult to deal with people asking me questions, perpetually.
How are you? How do you feel? Are you sick again today? Oh no! what’s wrong?
I am just simply not accustomed to the onslaught of interest in my life.
Scheduling appointments is often a 4 way catastrophe, with my increasingly busy schedule, Baby Mama’s, Baby Daddy’s and the doctor’s!
There is a delicate balance that we all must walk between preserving our personal autonomy and respecting each others feelings. I’ll be honest in saying we have all had our moments of power struggle along the way… particularly if we’ve had difficulty in coordination. It can be frustrating.
I have had to step back and remind myself, more than once, of how lucky I am to not be in the position where bringing my child into the world rests, physically, in the hands of another.
Separating my personal feelings about myself and this process, while remaining empathetic to the needs of Baby Mama/Daddy is tough. I often have to place my feelings of being smothered on the back burner in order to do so.

Perspective.
This is most definitely a humbling and insightful experience. It gives me perspective not only into how another person must feel, but also into my own limitations.
We are now faced with some unexpected legal complications with regard to the birth certificate.
I know that Baby Mama and Baby Daddy are very worried about the future of this uncertain situation.
I am thankful that we are all on the same page in our desire for a successful outcome … despite the stressors involved.
Keeping my eye on the prize, it’s what I tell Baby Mama, it’s what I live by.
For me, that prize will come the day I watch the doctor hand this little princess over to her Mommy and Daddy and big brother… all of the sickness, the struggles will be forgotten .
<3 you guys.

Happy 17 weeks!

So..as much as I hate Mondays, I do appreciate that each Monday brings me closer to holding my daughter. I know I haven't written in awhile, been a little crazy. So first an update:
Everything is going great! Phew! Egg Basket seems to be feeling better, especially since she stopped having to stick herself with needles. The baby appears to be growing and so far healthy. We had an appointment two weeks ago, just a regular old checkup. We heard her heartbeat again, it was 146 BPMs. I was a bit amazed because 3 weeks before when the doctor looked for it, he had to push down and move all around (I was actually worried that he was hurting Egg Basket), but this week, the doctor just popped the Doppler on and "swoosh swoosh" there it was! Clearly she is growing!
Baby Daddy and I head back up to Connecticut on August 5th for an organ scan of the baby's organs on the 6th. We believe this is the last big test. Although all these tests make me nervous and mildly crazy, I do love getting to visit Egg Basket and her family, and of course, each time a test comes back and says things are fine, I breathe a little more.
The other project I had been working on was inducing lactation..not going so well. I finally got the hematologist to call me back and gave them the list of medications. He said I could take them because none of them are contraindicated, but also said if I take them he wants me to be monitored the whole time because the TTP could come back. He did a series of blood tests (haven't gotten the results yet) and said if anything changed in my blood, I'd have to stop and get treated as if I was symptomatic.
So of course, Baby Daddy immediately noted this was NOT a good idea. Rationally I knew he was right, but it took a little longer emotionally for me to come around. I think the doctors are being cautious, but I also can't take that risk. I want to be here when my daughter gets here...not in the hospital or G-d forbid something worse.
Now I am waiting to hear back from the hematologist about the blood results. If it shows I am healthy, maybe I will just try pumping without any meds, if not, formula here we come. Baby Daddy and I were both bottle fed and we turned out okay (no smart comments!)..so I know it will be okay, but I'd be lying if I didn't feel angry that my body can't give me this...
Still, on the brighter side of things..only 3 weeks until I can start decorating the nursery! Woot!

PINK PINK PINK...and maybe some PURPLE!

So as most of you know by now, we got the CVS back and our DAUGHTER's chromosomes matched up perfectly! I literally fell off the bed when Egg Basket told us the baby is a girl...I feel so blessed that I haven't stopped smiling for 3 days...now, for the record, I would have loved this baby if it were a boy too (and I really, really, believed it would be a boy), after all, I have a boy and I do not believe it is possible to love him more than I do, so another boy would have been wonderful too...BUT..in many ways, this makes me feel that our family is complete. We will have a new experience this time around and it is a bonus that my son really, really wanted a sister (never mind that it is because he doesn't want to share his Wii!) This is the first girl in 3 generations for the male side of my husband's family...Can you say Princess?

And perhaps more importantly, she is healthy. Although CVS is not a magic test, it does appear to cover most of the major issues that she could have had. As some of you know Baby Daddy and I were not in agreement as to what we would do if that test did not come back so nicely...so it is a huge sigh of relief that we do not have to have that conversation...

I also have to issue a MAJOR apology to Egg Basket (and her friend W) for ruining their surprise. Egg Basket knew before I did that the baby was a girl and was planning a special surprise to tell me, however I whined and complained about how anxious I was so much that she felt she had to tell me. So..I am sorry for ruining the surprise..but the truth is, I was pretty surprised when you told me anyway :) And a BIG thank you for holding on to that girl embryo! As Egg Basket has pointed out..she doesn't do anything half way!

The next major endeavor for me is that I am going to try to induce lactation. With some advice from my "angel" and some more luck, I am hoping to breastfeed my daughter when she gets here. I am speaking with a lactation consultant on Monday and hope to figure out a protocol that does not require me to take any estrogen elevating drugs...and then I am likely to start pumping..perhaps this will put to rest that annoying comment of "at least I get to drink" since I will freeze whatever milk I might get (although I do expect that will be awhile).

The minor endeavor will be decorating her nursery..I have never done that before..but I need to *nest* a bit...so I am thinking that somewhere around the 20th week I will start to set up her room...There is a Jewish tradition (old wives tale/superstition) that you don't bring anything into the house until the baby is born, but I think that I need to do this. It is therapeutic for me to feel that I am preparing and being part of this process. Plus- I can't wait to buy all the adorable girl stuff I have looked at longingly for the last 6 years!

Finally..in case you aren't smiling yet:

Me: I love you so much my sweet boy.

Sweet boy: Will you still love me when the baby comes?

Me: Of course..Daddy and I will love you always no matter what

Sweet boy: Well will you love me more than her?

Me: No, I will love you the same

Sweet boy: Well I think you should love me more because I was here first and I am older

Me: Well do you think Safta (grandma) loves Uncle J more than Daddy since he is older? or that she loves Daddy more than Uncle D since he is the youngest?

Sweet boy: No..that wouldn't be nice that she would love Uncle D the least..

Me: so it is the same..I will love you the same, but you will always be my best BOY

Sweet boy: Okay...(pause) but I still think you should love me more :)

Waiting ...again!

Have I ever mentioned how much waiting sucks? I am not patient and HATE waiting...especially for things I have absolutely no control over...This whole process is fraught with waiting, waiting, waiting!

It has been a busy 5 days. Last Thursday night, Baby Daddy and I headed up to CT to meet with the doctor on Friday morning. We went in with Egg Basket and had a long conference with the doctor where the three of us decided that we wanted to go ahead with CVS. A nerve wracking conversation, but one in which we felt sure. Egg Basket checked out beautifully and we got to HEAR the baby's heartbeat for the first time.

The doctor asked whether we had a preference for the gender..we all laughed and I told him that depends who you ask. So he told us that there is a belief that if the baby's heartbeat is between 120-140 it is a boy and higher is a girl. Our baby's heart was beating at 166 BPMS!! Lots of smiles from me and Egg Basket. (For the record, Baby Daddy will be happy with a girl too, he is just a little more nervous).

So the doctor told us we had to schedule the CVS exams at Yale Medical Center. We figured that we take another week..silly us, they schedule it for 8:45 Monday (this) morning!

So Baby Daddy and I went to NYC for a little romantic anniversary weekend (9 years of married bliss- 8 of which we have been on the fertility journey) and then headed back to Egg Basket's house Sunday evening.

We all showed up bright eyed and bushy tailed at Yale Medical Center this morning. Another very long conference with a doctor type person to "make sure we understood the test" (Because I wasn't freaked out enough!). We assured them that we "got it". (Btw- all this double checking is standard procedure).

Then we went into a room and they did an ultrasound to find out where the placenta was attached (front left)..and for the first time our baby looked like a baby! As you can see from above s/he doesn't look like a blob anymore. S/he had two legs, two arms, two feet, two hands (which s/he was waving all around). They looked at his/her neck folds (great!) and bridge of the nose (great)...and my heart froze..why where we doing this? My baby looked perfect!
If someone had asked me at the moment, I might have tried to back out...but ultimately, I held Baby Daddy's hand and watched them insert a huge needle into Egg Basket's abdominal wall. I made sure that sucker didn't touch my baby!

When it was over they listened to the heartbeat again, I believe to reassure us that s/he was okay...it was 156 BPMs this time :)

Anyway, it took longer to prepare than to actually do...now we wait 7-10 calendar days to find out whether s/he is healthy and the gender...it is gonna be a rough 7-10 days. They also warned us that if the test were to cause a miscarriage it would happen in the first 48 hours...so you all know I am still holding my breath (it is 13 hours down and 35 more to go).

I will post again when we know more, but just wanted to get the picture up and update you all. Thank you for following our journey and for all of your love and support.

I'm baaaaaaaaaack

I know, its been a looong time. And you KNOW its been a long time when Baby mama is out blogging me!
Since generally, I have a LOT to say.

But, alas, at 11 weeks and 1 day... I feel pretty crappy.
Nausea is not my friend. As a matter of fact, I would take just about any illness over nausea.

Broken bones, tooth ache... send 'em all my way.. but spare me the nausea.

And I was cocky going into this. I had morning sickness in the past. It lasted a couple of weeks and thats it.

Oh no, not this time.
I am nauseous about 23 hours a day... and have been... for the past 4 weeks.
Yup, I'd say it kicked in right after the last Dr.'s appointment and has stuck around to torment me since then.

I know this is supposed to be a good sign, because I tell myself this... frequently.

I was doing so well too... 4 weeks a go I went to the doc, hadnt gained any weight... I was rocking the elliptical 45 minutes a day and walking 3 miles 3-4 times a week.

I am afraid to go to the doc this week... Sitting on my butt because I am feeling too crappy to do anything, eating fruit and gingerbread cookies 24/7... yeah, dont want to see that scale.

Aside from all of that, I feel GREAT!

and G-d sent an Angel

So, as some of you know I have been having a little bit of a tough time lately..the emotional side of me has been ruling a bit more than I would like and I have been worrying about all the crazy, scary things that come up on this roller coaster. Specifically, I have been worried that the baby is gonna think I am a stranger and cry when I hold him/her, not know my voice, that the baby won't be connected to me...that Egg Basket is gonna feel smothered by me, etc.

Many of my amazing friends and family have tried to comfort me, reassure me, and just support me through this part of the journey. Still, as much as I have appreciated that, I still felt alone..like no one really gets how scary this is unless they are standing in my shoes...

and on cue, G-d sent an angel

Now, I have been in a rough place spiritually for the last five years..I am not exactly sure where I stand on religion, but I know it would be inaccurate at this moment to call myself an Orthodox Jew...still, I have no doubt that G-d sent me an angel yesterday

She is a woman about my age, the sister of two of my husband's fraternity brothers. A woman I must have met at least once (at one of the above mentioned brother's weddings) but never knew. She too walked this path and experienced such a journey...and miraculously (okay to me, right now it feels miraculous) made it to the other side.

My angel has twin boys who will turn two at the end of this month and an older son who will be six at the end of August. She carried her first child and then she had an Egg Basket to carry her twins. Last night she spent two plus hours on the phone with me..she spoke the words my heart didn't know how to articulate, she voiced the fears I have still been too afraid to speak, and she reassured me the way only someone who has made it to the other side can do.

and then another miracle..last night I slept soundly for the first time in almost 6 months...

I have always believed that we all need a community..that no matter how big or small, none of us is an island and none of us can walk alone...I am just so grateful to have been blessed with an amazing Egg Basket, a big sister, to give me this opportunity, to join me on this journey and to now be blessed enough to be given the gift of a heart that persevered through this journey and the strength to know I too will make it through...


And just because this is NOT just my journey..but the journey of our family (and our friends):

Overheard in Baby Mama's household (format stolen from an angel):

6 year old son: Mommy, is the baby blood related to Auntie Egg Basket? (Of course he doesn't call her that, but for posterity we will call her that here- and I have NO IDEA how he understands blood related).

Me: No sweetheart, the baby is blood related to us..it is our baby

6 year old: Well, how did that work again?

Me: Remember, how is a baby made?

6 year old: A mommy gives a part, a daddy gives a part and then Hashem (G-d) makes it a baby

Me: Right! So the daddy part came from your daddy and the mommy part came from another woman (NOT Auntie Egg Basket) since mommy's part doesn't work and then Hashem made it a baby and the doctor put it inside Auntie Egg Basket

6 year old: Okay, that means it is a girl

Me: Why do you think that?

6 year old: Because there were more girls, the one who gave the part and Auntie Egg Basket, involved in making this baby than there were boys! (said with a bit of "Mommy your an idiot" look)

Wow..if only we all understood and were able to make sense of such complicated stuff so easily...my six year old is gonna be an amazing big brother :)

Ultrasound #2 Update

So as most of you know, we had another ultrasound last Thursday (sorry it took me so long to update, been a little crazy). As you can all see, our little blob is doing just fine. The heartbeat was clearly visible again and was 132 BPMs. Everything was measuring perfectly and Egg Basket's exam was great. She hasn't gained any weight yet, which she is very happy about :) We go back to the doctor on June 19th (countdown). That will likely just be an exam and a conversation between the doc and the three of us (Egg Basket, me and my husband) about which tests we want to have done.

There are some "screening test" which could give us some indications about the baby's health, but are not definitive. Still, they carry no risk. Then there are two options for definitive tests (with much lower false positives) that carry a quarter percentage point risk of causing a miscarriage...decisions, decisions..My husband and I are currently discussing, but I think are most likely to go with the CVS..that good news is that we will then find out the sex of the baby earlier :) So take the poll and let me know your guess. For the record, Ethan's mom has 3 boys, his brother has two boys, and Ethan's grandmother (father's mother) had two boys...and of course, we already have a son...hmm, who is the betting type?

So..how are we doing? Well, as usual, Egg Basket is "fine"..I think she is tired, but she just planned and pulled off an amazing party for her son's graduation from college for 100 people! As for us, we are excited and still a bit anxious. We told our son because he was worried that Egg Basket had been "stung by a bee and was allergic" and that was why we had to go see her to take her to the doctor. He appears to be very excited (although he did stop and ask again how "our baby got in her [Egg Basket's] tummy"..I told him the doctor put it there :) My husband is a little worried that he is gonna think a bee sting gets you pregnant! Brings a whole new meaning to the birds and the bees! Still, gonna be a long 8 months waiting for this baby :)

As for me..my current hang up is that the baby isn't gonna know my voice, never mind that he/she's first word is gonna be some form of "yuck" :). Seriously, it has now been suggested on 3 separate occasions that this is the way to go, have someone else carry your baby...I know people mean well, but I repeat, NO ONE CHOOSES THIS WAY. Some days it is a bit harder than I thought it would be. Let me tell you, Egg Basket is amazing and totally gets it. She makes the doctor direct comments and questions to me, tells the nurse to make sure I can see the screen, etc. She never makes me feel inferior or secondary to this process...but sometimes it is hard to think that my baby will think I am a stranger when I first hold him/her. I am thinking about making some recordings and having her play it to her stomach (I promised no singing!). Still, it is the little things that remind me that this is so different...specifically, I never thought about this before!

It sometimes seem surreal, like is it really happening, finally? I have been told (repeatedly) that in 8 months when I hold that baby, none of this will matter...really? Isn't this process part of who we are? Part of our child's story? I believe it is the journey and not the destination, so this is part of the journey..of how together, as a team, two friends (and our families) really are participating in our very own journey of life. Complete with complex emotions, fear, doubt, anxiety and love.