T-minus 6 weeks and counting

WOW! what a whirlwind trip we have just had!
I decided, somewhat last minute, to make a trip to visit Baby Mama and her family.
The clinic was awesome and made the necessary arrangements to get all of the preliminary testing underway.
My son decided to visit the University of Virginia Law School as part of his relentless campaign to be elevated from the wait list to an acceptance.
SO.... we booked a flight one way for Thursday night and my husband was going to drive down on Friday night and we all planned to drive back together.
Unfortunately, things didn't exactly go as planned.
We left for the airport four hours early, one would certainly think that would be ample time to travel to JFK from New Haven CT...
uh, no. After a 4 hour delay on the Hutchinson River parkway... yup, you guessed it.... we missed our flight.
So we did what every lunatic in the world would do... we kept driving.
There was no way I was canceling this trip. After all the hard work the clinic had done to arrange the meetings.... there was no way.
We arrived bright and early (1:30 am)
After an all-too-brief sleep, we were off to the clinic at 10 am Friday morning.
I figured after our previous day-gone-terribly-wrong, Friday was definitely going to be "our day"!
This was slated to be an incredibly busy day
At 10 am I had paperwork to fill out, blood to be taken, class on how to inject myself with estrogen and progesterone, meeting with the fertility doctor and an inspection of the baby box!
and that was JUST the morning.
Everything went very smoothly.
I gave up tube after tube of blood and had the baby box peeped at (the doc called it beautiful by the way! LOL)
I start the birth control pills today and if all goes according to plan, we are looking at a transfer of the totsicles to oven in 6 weeks!
All of this is, of course contingent upon the blood work coming back free from communicable disease and a clinical determination that I am not a complete nut case. I am fairly confident that my AIDS has cleared up .... I KID, I KID! but the nut case part... hmmm well, how subjective is this test again??
To make the latter determination, I had to speak with a social worker and take the MMPI-2.
The MMPI-2 is one interesting document.
it is 567 true/false questions.... 500 of them were creatively phrased versions of "I secretly want to kill myself"
Just a small piece of advice, if you ever have to take this test.... do NOT do so on 5 hours of sleep after 8+ hours in a car with a 2 year old!
The length of time it takes to answer these questions is proportionately related to the the amount of sleep a person has had.
And I don't know if it is because I was tired, but I honestly laughed my ass off at some of these questions.
Questions like "I like to torture animals" seem pretty evident that the correct answer really should be FALSE!
I REREAD many of them, trying to figure out HOW in the world there was ANY significance to them in relation to my sanity.
Again, I mean some were self explanatory... the "suicide" questions clearly have relevance... not sure if the volume or rephrased versions was necessary but, hey, who am I?
but here are a few of my faves for your enjoyment

1.I like mechanics magazines - False (does that make me crazy? Or am I crazy if I said true?)

2.I think I would like the work of a librarian- False (hmm ok, maybe this makes me crazy... I should be more "introspective"? oooh or possibly this makes me NOT crazy... crazy people like solitude right?)

3.I would like to be a singer-TRUE!!! Damn! who doesnt want to be a famous singer?!?!? Oh crap! on second thought... does that make me a money grubbing attention whore? what to do? what to do?

4.I have had very peculiar and strange experiences-a resounding TRUE! Who hasn't? right? have you met my kids? hmm, but wait... what exactly do they mean by peculiar and strange? do they mean peculiar like "I-hear-voices peculiar"? or just a little, ya know, some-days-I-want-to-run-away-from-my-crazy-family peculiar"???? (also a question, I might add)

5.I used to like drop-the-handkerchief- BLANK (WTF does this mean? I've got nothing on this one, I don't even get the question I am DEFINITELY nuts)

6. I get angry sometimes- are they serious? FALSE! Angry? Me? Never! HAHAHA

and my favorite question...

7.I like changing the handles and locks on doors-TRUE.... wait, no, FALSE (ok folks, again, I've got nothing here either. I mean, do I like it? well... I don't hate it... not sure if it elevates to like though... And even if I like it ... is that bad? does it mean that I am subconsciously locking out the world from my own private hell?? or maybe its good, I have a mechanically inclined scientific brain!

So yeah, not sure whether I am crazy by MMPI-2 standards... and I am not sure the social worker truly understood my sense of humor (like the time that she asked me how I was sure I would be able to turn the baby over to baby mama, and I replied that I wasn't too fond of my biological kids, so I was VERY sure I wouldn't be seeking to keep someone elses!)

Seriously though, things couldn't have gone better.
Today is day one of the 6 week countdown to transfer.... I am excited that things are moving along so quickly.
So Houston, put on your space suits because it is t-minus 6 weeks to blastoff!

Full Speed Ahead!

So..we have our first big news....

The doctor approved everything! He thinks that Egg Basket is an awesome choice and that our chances of success are 40% (which sounds low, but when you compare to *natural* pregnancy, which is only 25% that is really great!). Okay..so

First- there is a 90% chance that the totsicles survive the defrost....he is advising us to only defrost two, if they both look good, he will implant both, if one or both don't look great, he will defrost the third and implant all three. He points out that with only 2 totsicles implanted we still have a 20% chance of twins, which is my secret wish :) If we have to implant all 3, then the chance of pregnancy goes up to between 50-55%, the chance of twins to 30-35% and the chance of triplets to 15%! Although I would love twins or triplets (the fertility jackpot as I consider it), I understand the doctor's concerns..he had some choice words for the chic that just had octuplets!

Next- he was so excited and on board with all of this that he added hours to his calendar and is actually going to see egg basket THIS Friday! He will do the first *meet and greet* with her and do his own check of her baby box. He is also trying to schedule the mandatory session with the social worker for this weekend so that her husband can be here and we can clear that hurdle.

The procedure is that egg basket and her husband have to have some blood work, the meet and greet and exam of the baby box, then an exam of all the baby box extensions and then egg basket takes two weeks of estrogen and time for transfer! This is much faster than the last time because they don't do mock cycles anymore...the doctor feels that at the most we are looking at 3 months until a transfer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And since he can get her in and clear some hurdles this weekend, it is likely to be sooner!!!!!!!!

Finally, and of a little least importance..the whole adventure is going to cost us about 1/4 of what we thought! Phew! and if we have to do the last totsicle seperately, it is even less. This does relieve some burden for my husband and I which makes it all even a little more exciting.

So- I am now officially excited! wow..still digesting all of this and will have more to say soon...but maybe egg basket has some thoughts first :)

Thanks again everyone for your well wishes today...it was really comforting and made walking in there a little easier today knowing that all of you were with me.

Anticipaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaation, its makin' me wait.

I am not really sure what I expected.
I mean I knew this process would take some time. But geez! why does every step seem to take forever?
I called a new ob/gyn today, to make an appointment for a check up.
Gotta get the "baby box" (haha thanks Chrissy! Great term!) checked out and make sure it is healthy and all.
Since I have, without incident, birthed 5 babies... I am thinking the baby box is in working order.
But for formality's sake, we will verify.
So tomorrow we will know where the totsicles stand and soon after that the condition of the baby box, and we should be in baby growing business!
I'll admit. I am a bit nervous.
Not about the process, about whether the outcome will be one that we are hoping for.
I am more hopeful than I am nervous, though... alot more.
I cant wait for the next step!

Thirsty?

So..I am getting a little nervous about our upcoming visit to our totsicles..yup, you read that right..it is like popsicles, but they aren't made of fruit juice!

Seriously..we will be sitting in the doc's office and I will know that they are down the hall..or one floor up, or whatever..but in the same building..those little frozen tots that *could* eventually, maybe, someday, with lots of luck, be our child/ren...I wonder if I can ask to see them? just check in..make sure the temperature is good, you know?

Not to mention I am a bit nervous about what the doc has to say...I am guessing he will say, "got the check? good..full speed ahead"..BUT there is always the smallest, minutest possibility he tells me "all your totsicles melted in the last power outage" or "It is only a 2% chance of working" or something about egg basket not being a good candidate..then I will have to punch him...hard.

I know that no matter what he says, its always better to know, but still...anxiety is definitely rising. And, much to my total frustration, some folks think I am premature in having *any* emotion about this whole thing...Yup, I was actually told today that I am being premature, that there is nothing to tell anyone and that since *nothing* has happened, this person couldn't understand why I would have any anxiety.
Right..nothing has happened...in case you missed it insensitive lug, my old dear friend just offered to carry my babies! So, we made the decision to dump our applecart over, open our hearts and act on our last hope..forgive me if I thought our friends might be interested.

So anyway..only 4 more days to our visitation with the totsicles...if it goes poorly, you bring the booze, I'll bring the ice!

an introduction

Some of you following this journey already know me quite well.
Others of you are learning of me for the first time in the last few days.
The words I offer through this experience will be wise, funny, ridiculous, happy, sad and everything in between.

I am a mother, a wife, a lawyer, a friend, a confidante...
I am liked and disliked, sensitive.... yet matter-of-fact.
I am honest with my opinions however I have a sincere concern for people's feelings.
I am probably the most complex person I know and I often come across, at first blush, as a bitch.
It has assuredly been argued that I AM a bitch.

Whatever word that you choose to describe me, it does not define who I am inside.
I would do anything for a friend or family member in need, if it is, at all, in my power to do so.

I like to think that I raised my Baby Mama friend from the time she was 16 years old.
She watched my 17 year old son come into this world. We are as close as two people can ever be. We are friends, we are sisters. She lived with me for her last 2 years of high school and my house was the place she called home when she came back from college.

When she moved away from Massachusetts, I truly believe that we were both unprepared for life without the other.
I used a minor incident as a tool to cover for my feelings of immense sadness that we would never again be sisters, living together each and every day... I made that a bone of contention...

and we didn't speak.... for eight years.

She went through life changing events without me, as did I, without her.
Often times we lose touch with friends, never to see them again...and for the most part, its ok... its life...... this was not the case for us.

Unbeknown to the other, we each maintained an informational network about the other.
We have a mutual friend who kept us informed of the changes in each others lives... but that just wasn't enough.... details were, somehow, lost in translation, if you will.

It wasn't until the death of a very dear friend of mine, another sister to me, that I finally acknowledged and accepted that I would not be able to continue my life without my friend, my sister.
I realized that I wasn't willing to take the chance of losing the opportunity to say "I'm Sorry, I've missed you... I love you"
And that could happen, that one opportunity to make things right can be snatched from your grasp without warning.... and its too late.

I was not willing to let that happen. So I contacted my Baby Mama friend... I reached out, and to my relief.... she reached back.
I had another friend who I also reconnected with, and I now feel as though I can go forward with my life... completely.

During our time apart, I was aware of Baby Mama's fertility issues. I often wished I was there to help in some way.... not really knowing how... until now.

I have had many people ask me whether the decision to offer my body was a difficult one.
In all reality, it was one of the easiest decisions I have ever made.
While I did give it a great deal of thought... discussed it with my husband, my 5 children.... I simply didn't have any of those nagging feelings of uneasiness that one expects if they are not 100% sure about an important decision.

I will write another blog entry about my experiences when I discussed my decision with my family and my dearest friends.... their support is crucial to me.

Let it suffice for now, to say that the most important people in my life spoken the words that I needed to hear in order for me to move forward on this journey.
And I, now, take you all with me on this fantastic ride to help my sister, my baby Mama friend and her awesome husband, achieve their hearts desires.

She thanks me everyday, for doing this... however it is I, who must thank her... for allowing me to take part in this amazing Journey of Life.

The Baby Mama

So I am the Baby Mama (hopefully)...

For those who don't know, 6 1/2 years ago, after 17 months of infertility treatments, I got pregnant with my husband and my's first child. At 16 weeks, I was diagnosed with a rare blood disorder called Thrombotic Thrombocytopenic Purpura (TTP)- say that five times fast! After a few very scary days and 4 months of constant treatment for me, our son was born, early but healthy. When he was six months old I went into remission. The doctors said that it was possible it was a "fluke" thing...that the TTP may never come back..but IF it did, there was less than a 5% chance that any baby would be born healthy (if that baby overcame the 50% chance of not being born at all)..odds that I became aware my son had beaten. The doctors also offered no guarantee that I'd make it either, since there are only treatments, not a cure.

We decided to try anyway..a year later, I relapsed and was NOT pregnant. This time it was even harder to get me back into remission and even then only after taking experimental medications designed to kill all of the disease. The doctors said that if I got pregnant they were pretty sure the TTP would come back again and they strongly advised against it because they didn't think I'd live. My husband and I talked about it..we looked at the beautiful child we had and knew he needed his mother, from that point on, my getting pregnant was out of the question.

We looked at options..we talked about adoption, but that wasn't the right choice for our family. We then read about gestational carriers- my egg, his swimmers, and then someone else actually carries the baby for us. That seemed like the perfect solution! So we went back to the doctor and asked him to harvest my eggs..after much debating he agreed to do it IF I would agree to daily blood draws while I took the necessary medications so that he could examine the structure of my blood cells and if I would agree that if he found any changes, I'd stop and begin treatments for TTP immediately. We agreed..the doc said he needed a mapping of my blood to see what my blood looked like "normally" to compare to. When the blood mapping came back we were stunned with some very bad news..the blood disease was not gone, just dormant. At that point the doctor revoked his permission to go forward with egg harvesting..it was too dangerous..back to the drawing table.

As my husband and I talked about what this meant and asked our fertility doctor for advice, he mentioned egg donors. The concept was very foreign at first...wouldn't that be someone else's baby? Never mind the "how do you choose your baby's genetics?" Still, we reasoned it wasn't that different from adoption, and it would still be genetically and biologically my husband's child as he would still contribute the swimmers. This child would still share genetics with our son..and personally as far as I was concerned a baby is a baby..I didn't feel the genetics mattered. So we went through an agency and got ourselves some eggs!

Now who to carry? We pondered this question long and hard..do we hire someone? can we afford that? and then an incredible person offered! We went through two cycles and ultimately neither worked. We were eternally grateful to our first carrier who had given so generously of herself and her life. We had agreed from the beginning on only two cycles. So we stopped..we froze our remaining 3 embryos and moved on with our lives. We mourned for what we had lost and worked on appreciating all that we did have.

And then 8 days ago...my oldest and dearest friend offered her body. My husband and I agreed to try one more time. He and I go back to the fertility doctor on February 10th to begin this adventure one more time. In the meantime, my *egg basket* and I decided to share this journey.

This blog is mine and hers...it is about friendship, parenting, love and loss...