Happy 17 weeks!

So..as much as I hate Mondays, I do appreciate that each Monday brings me closer to holding my daughter. I know I haven't written in awhile, been a little crazy. So first an update:
Everything is going great! Phew! Egg Basket seems to be feeling better, especially since she stopped having to stick herself with needles. The baby appears to be growing and so far healthy. We had an appointment two weeks ago, just a regular old checkup. We heard her heartbeat again, it was 146 BPMs. I was a bit amazed because 3 weeks before when the doctor looked for it, he had to push down and move all around (I was actually worried that he was hurting Egg Basket), but this week, the doctor just popped the Doppler on and "swoosh swoosh" there it was! Clearly she is growing!
Baby Daddy and I head back up to Connecticut on August 5th for an organ scan of the baby's organs on the 6th. We believe this is the last big test. Although all these tests make me nervous and mildly crazy, I do love getting to visit Egg Basket and her family, and of course, each time a test comes back and says things are fine, I breathe a little more.
The other project I had been working on was inducing lactation..not going so well. I finally got the hematologist to call me back and gave them the list of medications. He said I could take them because none of them are contraindicated, but also said if I take them he wants me to be monitored the whole time because the TTP could come back. He did a series of blood tests (haven't gotten the results yet) and said if anything changed in my blood, I'd have to stop and get treated as if I was symptomatic.
So of course, Baby Daddy immediately noted this was NOT a good idea. Rationally I knew he was right, but it took a little longer emotionally for me to come around. I think the doctors are being cautious, but I also can't take that risk. I want to be here when my daughter gets here...not in the hospital or G-d forbid something worse.
Now I am waiting to hear back from the hematologist about the blood results. If it shows I am healthy, maybe I will just try pumping without any meds, if not, formula here we come. Baby Daddy and I were both bottle fed and we turned out okay (no smart comments!)..so I know it will be okay, but I'd be lying if I didn't feel angry that my body can't give me this...
Still, on the brighter side of things..only 3 weeks until I can start decorating the nursery! Woot!

PINK PINK PINK...and maybe some PURPLE!

So as most of you know by now, we got the CVS back and our DAUGHTER's chromosomes matched up perfectly! I literally fell off the bed when Egg Basket told us the baby is a girl...I feel so blessed that I haven't stopped smiling for 3 days...now, for the record, I would have loved this baby if it were a boy too (and I really, really, believed it would be a boy), after all, I have a boy and I do not believe it is possible to love him more than I do, so another boy would have been wonderful too...BUT..in many ways, this makes me feel that our family is complete. We will have a new experience this time around and it is a bonus that my son really, really wanted a sister (never mind that it is because he doesn't want to share his Wii!) This is the first girl in 3 generations for the male side of my husband's family...Can you say Princess?

And perhaps more importantly, she is healthy. Although CVS is not a magic test, it does appear to cover most of the major issues that she could have had. As some of you know Baby Daddy and I were not in agreement as to what we would do if that test did not come back so nicely...so it is a huge sigh of relief that we do not have to have that conversation...

I also have to issue a MAJOR apology to Egg Basket (and her friend W) for ruining their surprise. Egg Basket knew before I did that the baby was a girl and was planning a special surprise to tell me, however I whined and complained about how anxious I was so much that she felt she had to tell me. So..I am sorry for ruining the surprise..but the truth is, I was pretty surprised when you told me anyway :) And a BIG thank you for holding on to that girl embryo! As Egg Basket has pointed out..she doesn't do anything half way!

The next major endeavor for me is that I am going to try to induce lactation. With some advice from my "angel" and some more luck, I am hoping to breastfeed my daughter when she gets here. I am speaking with a lactation consultant on Monday and hope to figure out a protocol that does not require me to take any estrogen elevating drugs...and then I am likely to start pumping..perhaps this will put to rest that annoying comment of "at least I get to drink" since I will freeze whatever milk I might get (although I do expect that will be awhile).

The minor endeavor will be decorating her nursery..I have never done that before..but I need to *nest* a bit...so I am thinking that somewhere around the 20th week I will start to set up her room...There is a Jewish tradition (old wives tale/superstition) that you don't bring anything into the house until the baby is born, but I think that I need to do this. It is therapeutic for me to feel that I am preparing and being part of this process. Plus- I can't wait to buy all the adorable girl stuff I have looked at longingly for the last 6 years!

Finally..in case you aren't smiling yet:

Me: I love you so much my sweet boy.

Sweet boy: Will you still love me when the baby comes?

Me: Of course..Daddy and I will love you always no matter what

Sweet boy: Well will you love me more than her?

Me: No, I will love you the same

Sweet boy: Well I think you should love me more because I was here first and I am older

Me: Well do you think Safta (grandma) loves Uncle J more than Daddy since he is older? or that she loves Daddy more than Uncle D since he is the youngest?

Sweet boy: No..that wouldn't be nice that she would love Uncle D the least..

Me: so it is the same..I will love you the same, but you will always be my best BOY

Sweet boy: Okay...(pause) but I still think you should love me more :)

Waiting ...again!

Have I ever mentioned how much waiting sucks? I am not patient and HATE waiting...especially for things I have absolutely no control over...This whole process is fraught with waiting, waiting, waiting!

It has been a busy 5 days. Last Thursday night, Baby Daddy and I headed up to CT to meet with the doctor on Friday morning. We went in with Egg Basket and had a long conference with the doctor where the three of us decided that we wanted to go ahead with CVS. A nerve wracking conversation, but one in which we felt sure. Egg Basket checked out beautifully and we got to HEAR the baby's heartbeat for the first time.

The doctor asked whether we had a preference for the gender..we all laughed and I told him that depends who you ask. So he told us that there is a belief that if the baby's heartbeat is between 120-140 it is a boy and higher is a girl. Our baby's heart was beating at 166 BPMS!! Lots of smiles from me and Egg Basket. (For the record, Baby Daddy will be happy with a girl too, he is just a little more nervous).

So the doctor told us we had to schedule the CVS exams at Yale Medical Center. We figured that we take another week..silly us, they schedule it for 8:45 Monday (this) morning!

So Baby Daddy and I went to NYC for a little romantic anniversary weekend (9 years of married bliss- 8 of which we have been on the fertility journey) and then headed back to Egg Basket's house Sunday evening.

We all showed up bright eyed and bushy tailed at Yale Medical Center this morning. Another very long conference with a doctor type person to "make sure we understood the test" (Because I wasn't freaked out enough!). We assured them that we "got it". (Btw- all this double checking is standard procedure).

Then we went into a room and they did an ultrasound to find out where the placenta was attached (front left)..and for the first time our baby looked like a baby! As you can see from above s/he doesn't look like a blob anymore. S/he had two legs, two arms, two feet, two hands (which s/he was waving all around). They looked at his/her neck folds (great!) and bridge of the nose (great)...and my heart froze..why where we doing this? My baby looked perfect!
If someone had asked me at the moment, I might have tried to back out...but ultimately, I held Baby Daddy's hand and watched them insert a huge needle into Egg Basket's abdominal wall. I made sure that sucker didn't touch my baby!

When it was over they listened to the heartbeat again, I believe to reassure us that s/he was okay...it was 156 BPMs this time :)

Anyway, it took longer to prepare than to actually do...now we wait 7-10 calendar days to find out whether s/he is healthy and the gender...it is gonna be a rough 7-10 days. They also warned us that if the test were to cause a miscarriage it would happen in the first 48 hours...so you all know I am still holding my breath (it is 13 hours down and 35 more to go).

I will post again when we know more, but just wanted to get the picture up and update you all. Thank you for following our journey and for all of your love and support.

I'm baaaaaaaaaack

I know, its been a looong time. And you KNOW its been a long time when Baby mama is out blogging me!
Since generally, I have a LOT to say.

But, alas, at 11 weeks and 1 day... I feel pretty crappy.
Nausea is not my friend. As a matter of fact, I would take just about any illness over nausea.

Broken bones, tooth ache... send 'em all my way.. but spare me the nausea.

And I was cocky going into this. I had morning sickness in the past. It lasted a couple of weeks and thats it.

Oh no, not this time.
I am nauseous about 23 hours a day... and have been... for the past 4 weeks.
Yup, I'd say it kicked in right after the last Dr.'s appointment and has stuck around to torment me since then.

I know this is supposed to be a good sign, because I tell myself this... frequently.

I was doing so well too... 4 weeks a go I went to the doc, hadnt gained any weight... I was rocking the elliptical 45 minutes a day and walking 3 miles 3-4 times a week.

I am afraid to go to the doc this week... Sitting on my butt because I am feeling too crappy to do anything, eating fruit and gingerbread cookies 24/7... yeah, dont want to see that scale.

Aside from all of that, I feel GREAT!

and G-d sent an Angel

So, as some of you know I have been having a little bit of a tough time lately..the emotional side of me has been ruling a bit more than I would like and I have been worrying about all the crazy, scary things that come up on this roller coaster. Specifically, I have been worried that the baby is gonna think I am a stranger and cry when I hold him/her, not know my voice, that the baby won't be connected to me...that Egg Basket is gonna feel smothered by me, etc.

Many of my amazing friends and family have tried to comfort me, reassure me, and just support me through this part of the journey. Still, as much as I have appreciated that, I still felt alone..like no one really gets how scary this is unless they are standing in my shoes...

and on cue, G-d sent an angel

Now, I have been in a rough place spiritually for the last five years..I am not exactly sure where I stand on religion, but I know it would be inaccurate at this moment to call myself an Orthodox Jew...still, I have no doubt that G-d sent me an angel yesterday

She is a woman about my age, the sister of two of my husband's fraternity brothers. A woman I must have met at least once (at one of the above mentioned brother's weddings) but never knew. She too walked this path and experienced such a journey...and miraculously (okay to me, right now it feels miraculous) made it to the other side.

My angel has twin boys who will turn two at the end of this month and an older son who will be six at the end of August. She carried her first child and then she had an Egg Basket to carry her twins. Last night she spent two plus hours on the phone with me..she spoke the words my heart didn't know how to articulate, she voiced the fears I have still been too afraid to speak, and she reassured me the way only someone who has made it to the other side can do.

and then another miracle..last night I slept soundly for the first time in almost 6 months...

I have always believed that we all need a community..that no matter how big or small, none of us is an island and none of us can walk alone...I am just so grateful to have been blessed with an amazing Egg Basket, a big sister, to give me this opportunity, to join me on this journey and to now be blessed enough to be given the gift of a heart that persevered through this journey and the strength to know I too will make it through...


And just because this is NOT just my journey..but the journey of our family (and our friends):

Overheard in Baby Mama's household (format stolen from an angel):

6 year old son: Mommy, is the baby blood related to Auntie Egg Basket? (Of course he doesn't call her that, but for posterity we will call her that here- and I have NO IDEA how he understands blood related).

Me: No sweetheart, the baby is blood related to us..it is our baby

6 year old: Well, how did that work again?

Me: Remember, how is a baby made?

6 year old: A mommy gives a part, a daddy gives a part and then Hashem (G-d) makes it a baby

Me: Right! So the daddy part came from your daddy and the mommy part came from another woman (NOT Auntie Egg Basket) since mommy's part doesn't work and then Hashem made it a baby and the doctor put it inside Auntie Egg Basket

6 year old: Okay, that means it is a girl

Me: Why do you think that?

6 year old: Because there were more girls, the one who gave the part and Auntie Egg Basket, involved in making this baby than there were boys! (said with a bit of "Mommy your an idiot" look)

Wow..if only we all understood and were able to make sense of such complicated stuff so easily...my six year old is gonna be an amazing big brother :)

Ultrasound #2 Update

So as most of you know, we had another ultrasound last Thursday (sorry it took me so long to update, been a little crazy). As you can all see, our little blob is doing just fine. The heartbeat was clearly visible again and was 132 BPMs. Everything was measuring perfectly and Egg Basket's exam was great. She hasn't gained any weight yet, which she is very happy about :) We go back to the doctor on June 19th (countdown). That will likely just be an exam and a conversation between the doc and the three of us (Egg Basket, me and my husband) about which tests we want to have done.

There are some "screening test" which could give us some indications about the baby's health, but are not definitive. Still, they carry no risk. Then there are two options for definitive tests (with much lower false positives) that carry a quarter percentage point risk of causing a miscarriage...decisions, decisions..My husband and I are currently discussing, but I think are most likely to go with the CVS..that good news is that we will then find out the sex of the baby earlier :) So take the poll and let me know your guess. For the record, Ethan's mom has 3 boys, his brother has two boys, and Ethan's grandmother (father's mother) had two boys...and of course, we already have a son...hmm, who is the betting type?

So..how are we doing? Well, as usual, Egg Basket is "fine"..I think she is tired, but she just planned and pulled off an amazing party for her son's graduation from college for 100 people! As for us, we are excited and still a bit anxious. We told our son because he was worried that Egg Basket had been "stung by a bee and was allergic" and that was why we had to go see her to take her to the doctor. He appears to be very excited (although he did stop and ask again how "our baby got in her [Egg Basket's] tummy"..I told him the doctor put it there :) My husband is a little worried that he is gonna think a bee sting gets you pregnant! Brings a whole new meaning to the birds and the bees! Still, gonna be a long 8 months waiting for this baby :)

As for me..my current hang up is that the baby isn't gonna know my voice, never mind that he/she's first word is gonna be some form of "yuck" :). Seriously, it has now been suggested on 3 separate occasions that this is the way to go, have someone else carry your baby...I know people mean well, but I repeat, NO ONE CHOOSES THIS WAY. Some days it is a bit harder than I thought it would be. Let me tell you, Egg Basket is amazing and totally gets it. She makes the doctor direct comments and questions to me, tells the nurse to make sure I can see the screen, etc. She never makes me feel inferior or secondary to this process...but sometimes it is hard to think that my baby will think I am a stranger when I first hold him/her. I am thinking about making some recordings and having her play it to her stomach (I promised no singing!). Still, it is the little things that remind me that this is so different...specifically, I never thought about this before!

It sometimes seem surreal, like is it really happening, finally? I have been told (repeatedly) that in 8 months when I hold that baby, none of this will matter...really? Isn't this process part of who we are? Part of our child's story? I believe it is the journey and not the destination, so this is part of the journey..of how together, as a team, two friends (and our families) really are participating in our very own journey of life. Complete with complex emotions, fear, doubt, anxiety and love.

Ultrasound #1 Update

So wiseguys..only 4 of you were right! The ultrasound this morning showed one very strong heartbeat...they searched around, but alas, only one.

The heartbeat was 117 BPM...very good for so early (The heartbeat is between the X's).

We are thrilled!

Egg Basket still feels fine...more to come later with new poll.

P.S.- I am an idiot who can't count...as you may have noticed, I fixed the last post- we are really *6* weeks and 3 days (not 5 weeks)...hooray..I just gained a week :)