Waiting ...again!

Have I ever mentioned how much waiting sucks? I am not patient and HATE waiting...especially for things I have absolutely no control over...This whole process is fraught with waiting, waiting, waiting!

It has been a busy 5 days. Last Thursday night, Baby Daddy and I headed up to CT to meet with the doctor on Friday morning. We went in with Egg Basket and had a long conference with the doctor where the three of us decided that we wanted to go ahead with CVS. A nerve wracking conversation, but one in which we felt sure. Egg Basket checked out beautifully and we got to HEAR the baby's heartbeat for the first time.

The doctor asked whether we had a preference for the gender..we all laughed and I told him that depends who you ask. So he told us that there is a belief that if the baby's heartbeat is between 120-140 it is a boy and higher is a girl. Our baby's heart was beating at 166 BPMS!! Lots of smiles from me and Egg Basket. (For the record, Baby Daddy will be happy with a girl too, he is just a little more nervous).

So the doctor told us we had to schedule the CVS exams at Yale Medical Center. We figured that we take another week..silly us, they schedule it for 8:45 Monday (this) morning!

So Baby Daddy and I went to NYC for a little romantic anniversary weekend (9 years of married bliss- 8 of which we have been on the fertility journey) and then headed back to Egg Basket's house Sunday evening.

We all showed up bright eyed and bushy tailed at Yale Medical Center this morning. Another very long conference with a doctor type person to "make sure we understood the test" (Because I wasn't freaked out enough!). We assured them that we "got it". (Btw- all this double checking is standard procedure).

Then we went into a room and they did an ultrasound to find out where the placenta was attached (front left)..and for the first time our baby looked like a baby! As you can see from above s/he doesn't look like a blob anymore. S/he had two legs, two arms, two feet, two hands (which s/he was waving all around). They looked at his/her neck folds (great!) and bridge of the nose (great)...and my heart froze..why where we doing this? My baby looked perfect!
If someone had asked me at the moment, I might have tried to back out...but ultimately, I held Baby Daddy's hand and watched them insert a huge needle into Egg Basket's abdominal wall. I made sure that sucker didn't touch my baby!

When it was over they listened to the heartbeat again, I believe to reassure us that s/he was okay...it was 156 BPMs this time :)

Anyway, it took longer to prepare than to actually do...now we wait 7-10 calendar days to find out whether s/he is healthy and the gender...it is gonna be a rough 7-10 days. They also warned us that if the test were to cause a miscarriage it would happen in the first 48 hours...so you all know I am still holding my breath (it is 13 hours down and 35 more to go).

I will post again when we know more, but just wanted to get the picture up and update you all. Thank you for following our journey and for all of your love and support.

I'm baaaaaaaaaack

I know, its been a looong time. And you KNOW its been a long time when Baby mama is out blogging me!
Since generally, I have a LOT to say.

But, alas, at 11 weeks and 1 day... I feel pretty crappy.
Nausea is not my friend. As a matter of fact, I would take just about any illness over nausea.

Broken bones, tooth ache... send 'em all my way.. but spare me the nausea.

And I was cocky going into this. I had morning sickness in the past. It lasted a couple of weeks and thats it.

Oh no, not this time.
I am nauseous about 23 hours a day... and have been... for the past 4 weeks.
Yup, I'd say it kicked in right after the last Dr.'s appointment and has stuck around to torment me since then.

I know this is supposed to be a good sign, because I tell myself this... frequently.

I was doing so well too... 4 weeks a go I went to the doc, hadnt gained any weight... I was rocking the elliptical 45 minutes a day and walking 3 miles 3-4 times a week.

I am afraid to go to the doc this week... Sitting on my butt because I am feeling too crappy to do anything, eating fruit and gingerbread cookies 24/7... yeah, dont want to see that scale.

Aside from all of that, I feel GREAT!

and G-d sent an Angel

So, as some of you know I have been having a little bit of a tough time lately..the emotional side of me has been ruling a bit more than I would like and I have been worrying about all the crazy, scary things that come up on this roller coaster. Specifically, I have been worried that the baby is gonna think I am a stranger and cry when I hold him/her, not know my voice, that the baby won't be connected to me...that Egg Basket is gonna feel smothered by me, etc.

Many of my amazing friends and family have tried to comfort me, reassure me, and just support me through this part of the journey. Still, as much as I have appreciated that, I still felt alone..like no one really gets how scary this is unless they are standing in my shoes...

and on cue, G-d sent an angel

Now, I have been in a rough place spiritually for the last five years..I am not exactly sure where I stand on religion, but I know it would be inaccurate at this moment to call myself an Orthodox Jew...still, I have no doubt that G-d sent me an angel yesterday

She is a woman about my age, the sister of two of my husband's fraternity brothers. A woman I must have met at least once (at one of the above mentioned brother's weddings) but never knew. She too walked this path and experienced such a journey...and miraculously (okay to me, right now it feels miraculous) made it to the other side.

My angel has twin boys who will turn two at the end of this month and an older son who will be six at the end of August. She carried her first child and then she had an Egg Basket to carry her twins. Last night she spent two plus hours on the phone with me..she spoke the words my heart didn't know how to articulate, she voiced the fears I have still been too afraid to speak, and she reassured me the way only someone who has made it to the other side can do.

and then another miracle..last night I slept soundly for the first time in almost 6 months...

I have always believed that we all need a community..that no matter how big or small, none of us is an island and none of us can walk alone...I am just so grateful to have been blessed with an amazing Egg Basket, a big sister, to give me this opportunity, to join me on this journey and to now be blessed enough to be given the gift of a heart that persevered through this journey and the strength to know I too will make it through...


And just because this is NOT just my journey..but the journey of our family (and our friends):

Overheard in Baby Mama's household (format stolen from an angel):

6 year old son: Mommy, is the baby blood related to Auntie Egg Basket? (Of course he doesn't call her that, but for posterity we will call her that here- and I have NO IDEA how he understands blood related).

Me: No sweetheart, the baby is blood related to us..it is our baby

6 year old: Well, how did that work again?

Me: Remember, how is a baby made?

6 year old: A mommy gives a part, a daddy gives a part and then Hashem (G-d) makes it a baby

Me: Right! So the daddy part came from your daddy and the mommy part came from another woman (NOT Auntie Egg Basket) since mommy's part doesn't work and then Hashem made it a baby and the doctor put it inside Auntie Egg Basket

6 year old: Okay, that means it is a girl

Me: Why do you think that?

6 year old: Because there were more girls, the one who gave the part and Auntie Egg Basket, involved in making this baby than there were boys! (said with a bit of "Mommy your an idiot" look)

Wow..if only we all understood and were able to make sense of such complicated stuff so easily...my six year old is gonna be an amazing big brother :)