A Stubborn Princess

This is the proof that she is a girl...her tush is facing the camera and the arrow points out her "girl parts"..ya for girls! This is her foot..look closely on the left of the picture and you can count all 5 toes!

And no posting would be complete without a view of her face!

So we had our ultrasound and echo-cardiogram on Friday. First we went for a regular check up where the doc told Egg Basket that she was doing great...and little Miss Baby didn't want to stay still for a constant heartbeat..every time the doctor touched her with the little Doppler, she moved. It seemed like her heartbeat was in the 160s, but hard to tell.

Then we went to the ultrasound and echo. Again, she was being pretty stubborn- the echo took an hour and a half, the doctors had Egg Basket contorting into all kinds of positions because the baby was transverse with her back to Egg Basket's tummy which was causing her spine to cast a shadow over her heart. No matter what the doctors and nurses tried, she refused to roll over..she had no problem kicking- which was a pretty cool thing to watch onscreen, but refused to move. Guess the stubborn genes have kicked in! Still, docs say everything looked great. She weighs 14 ounces (so almost doubled in 3 weeks time!) and all organs looked healthy, including the heart.

Of course this was the appointment we decided to bring big brother too to "see" his sister. Needless to say, he got restless and so it was hard to tell how much he got. I think he realizes she is in there and she belongs to us, but hard to know if he really understands that he was looking at her. He was very interested in how it worked, how could they see through Auntie Egg Basket's skin? Still, he did come home and tell everyone about his sister and when he went to meet his first grade teachers today, he explained to them all about gestational carriers and how we are having a baby that is in Auntie Egg Basket's tummy in Connecticut. He his still looking for lots of reassurance that we won't love her more than him, but this week, at this moment, he is excited she is coming and wants to help paint her room.

This was a rough visit as we had just returned from Hawaii two days before and we were really off in terms of time and sleep. I must publicly apologize to Egg Basket for putting up with all of our crankiness. Not only does she carry our baby, but she puts up with us too, now that is love :)

I will write more soon, but really wanted to get these pictures posted.

Happy 22 weeks!

Just thought I'd mention....

WE ARE MORE THAN HALF WAY THERE!!!!!

Today is 21 weeks and 2 days!!! wow..would have posted on the big 20 week day but I was incommunicado. I think it was a good vacation..and probably Egg Basket had a good vacation from me too :) (pretty terrible cell phone service in Hawaii)

We head up to CT tomorrow night for two appointments on Friday..a regular check up and an echo-cardiogram..we are bringing the big brother-to-be to the ultrasound..I will post when we get back and give you all the update on how it goes :)

I also just wanted to take a minute to thank you all for your incredible support...I honestly and truly couldn't make it through without all of you encouraging us, supporting us, and just being there to listen. They say it take a village to raise a child..we all know it takes a village to get one here too :)

Not a morning person?

So maybe she isn't a morning person! Look very closely at the picture above, that is her arm in the center (white blur) with her hand resting on her forehead...I decided she was annoyed because we were bothering her so early in the morning :) Baby Daddy just thinks that she is a drama queen (already!). Either way, yesterday was the organ scan and the docs said her organs all look great...nice brain and four chambers in the heart..phew! She weighs about a half of a pound right now. It seems that she is growing well..we go back August 28th for an echo-cardiogram (do these tests ever end?) Oh, and her heartbeat was in the 150s...the most beautiful sound (although as my friend pointed out, does sound a bit like a washing machine!)

My other update is on breast feeding..as most of you probably know, I will NOT be taking any of the medications necessary to induce lactation. However, I will try to induce mechanically without drugs...The good news was that I had lots of blood work done which showed I am still in remission (it is 5 years and one month!) but there was just too much risk that the drugs and herbs could cause a relapse...and as much as I want this, I can't take that risk. So about 6-8 weeks before she is due, I will just start pumping and see what happens.

I also wanted to address the "perspective" entry from Egg Basket. First, I want to reiterate how grateful Baby Daddy and I are to Egg Basket for being on this journey with us..no matter how difficult it has gotten (or gets) I am still glad that we embarked on this journey..together. As Egg Basket mentioned, it isn't always easy..for any of us. Some days I think I am doing so well holding it all together and giving Egg Basket space and other days I want to slap myself (can't imagine what she wants to do to me!). I think ultimately the fact that we all keep our eyes on the big picture and that we really and truly have a bond of love is what helps us through. Sometimes, for me, I have to express the emotion to get to the acceptance. I can accept that we will do whatever we have to, but I often say that doesn't mean I have to like it (in re the legal issues especially).

One of the worst parts of infertility is the total and overwhelming feeling of powerlessness. Procreation is often a very personal experience between a couple, one that takes place behind closed doors between two people..ours is more like a national production. I have no control over any of this process, from whether it worked to what my baby hears in utero or is nourished with, to where she is born...clearly my trust in Egg Basket is implicit and none of my powerlessness it about her, it is just situational. Still, as we struggle to all be kind to one another, to respect each other's feelings, and to make sure everyone's needs are met I feel those powerless emotions rising up. I know that many women probably feel that their bodies are being taken over while pregnant and probably feel powerless too, but sometimes I wonder whether there is any precedent here. It is Egg Basket's body, her life, but our baby...it often feels like a very fine line...I am the kind of woman who likes to control things and be organized, so perhaps this is a good lesson for me to let go of that which I can't control and just accept that what will be will be.

Each day we get a little closer to meeting our daughter, a little closer to the miracle that Egg Basket is giving us..each day I remind myself that THAT is what this is about...my daughter...and I would journey to the ends of the world and back for her, so this is nothing, right?

perspective

Ahhhh… week # 18.
Almost ½ way there!
I know, its been awhile. Boy! the all day sickness really whacked me harder than I had ever anticipated!
This has certainly been more difficult than my previous pregnancies.
A bout with migraines adding insult to injury. Weeks 8 to 16 were pretty horrific.
But here I am, at week 18…. Feeling much improved and ready to handle the challenges ahead.
Because I am not an overly demonstrative person, this process has been an interesting challenge for me. Acknowledging how much I care for Baby Mama and how much I want her to realize her dreams… I have also had to do a great deal of personal reflection.
There are many things that, frankly, I had failed to truly process when making this commitment.
Having other people intricately involved in my daily life for starters. It was (and, at times, continues to be) difficult to deal with people asking me questions, perpetually.
How are you? How do you feel? Are you sick again today? Oh no! what’s wrong?
I am just simply not accustomed to the onslaught of interest in my life.
Scheduling appointments is often a 4 way catastrophe, with my increasingly busy schedule, Baby Mama’s, Baby Daddy’s and the doctor’s!
There is a delicate balance that we all must walk between preserving our personal autonomy and respecting each others feelings. I’ll be honest in saying we have all had our moments of power struggle along the way… particularly if we’ve had difficulty in coordination. It can be frustrating.
I have had to step back and remind myself, more than once, of how lucky I am to not be in the position where bringing my child into the world rests, physically, in the hands of another.
Separating my personal feelings about myself and this process, while remaining empathetic to the needs of Baby Mama/Daddy is tough. I often have to place my feelings of being smothered on the back burner in order to do so.

Perspective.
This is most definitely a humbling and insightful experience. It gives me perspective not only into how another person must feel, but also into my own limitations.
We are now faced with some unexpected legal complications with regard to the birth certificate.
I know that Baby Mama and Baby Daddy are very worried about the future of this uncertain situation.
I am thankful that we are all on the same page in our desire for a successful outcome … despite the stressors involved.
Keeping my eye on the prize, it’s what I tell Baby Mama, it’s what I live by.
For me, that prize will come the day I watch the doctor hand this little princess over to her Mommy and Daddy and big brother… all of the sickness, the struggles will be forgotten .
<3 you guys.