So Hard

Okay..so we have had a bump in the road..what we hope will be a minor bump, but we aren't sure yet...
It all started with the lovely, gorgeous snow storm we had last week..it seemed to knock out the electricity in the doctor's office which meant they had to cancel Egg Basket's appointment for the annual baby box check..which is one of the pre-screening requirements. So we called and emailed our two nurses about what should we do..and got NO ANSWER...no return call or emails..now truthfully, I had also called two days earlier to check in and had gotten no response either.
Finally, one of the nurses sent Egg Basket an email which implied that we shouldn't worry about the baby box exam because there would be another month of pill taking...NOT part of the original plan..so I called the nurse and got her on the phone and she very nervously told me that I needed to wait for the doctor to call me because everything was on hold due to the social worker's reservations!! WTF???
Finally, at 8:45 pm last night the Doc called...
Doc: "The social worker is concerned that you and Egg Basket have not be reunited long enough and would like you to wait 2-3 months before proceeding"
Me: (naturally) "WTF???" - okay on the inside- I really said "what does that mean, does the SW's have veto power?"
Doc: "Well what would be the point of having social workers if we didn't listen to them?"
Me: WTF?
Okay pause here- first of all, we were told that the mandatory meeting with the social worker was "for our benefit"..to make us aware of how the social worker could be a resource if we needed someone to talk to... over and over we were told, this is not a test...NEVER was it mentioned that this chick had any kind of veto power..okay back to the conversation:
Me: "Okay..so what does that mean?"
Doc: "Well, I am going to talk to the social worker, tell her that I don't agree with her and ask her what the benefits would be for waiting- but the worse case scenario is that we'd be delayed 2-3 months..which isn't a lot.."
Me: "With all due respect..I disagree..2 months IS a long time, we have been working with you since 2001 to complete our family...each day is another day that we don't have that family"
Doc:..something like I understand but "in a year from now, these two months won't matter"
Me: WTF!!!
so basically he defended the process of using social workers and gave lots of examples of when it was very important..then my husband took the phone and gave the doctor a piece of his mind :)
Ultimately the doctor said that he would talk to the social worker and she would call us today.
So Egg Basket and I hatched (ha ha) a plan...it seemed that we still had one chance to get the social worker on our side...
fast forward..
Social worker calls at 3pm today..and I conference Egg Basket into the call..
SW: (after all the sorries about not calling us sooner) "So, as I expressed to you both when you were here, in the ideal situation the two of you would have been reunited for a longer period of time"
Me: WTF? Seriously? because two months is going to do what?
Okay really:
Egg Basket: (in a very polite way)" So, can you explain what the purpose of two months is?"
SW: "Well I just want to make sure that the two of you are still comfortable with all of this and that it hasn't been moving too fast, I am not trying to stop the process"..blah blah blah..
Ultimately I made two points:
1- the clinical "What if" scenario of mine and Egg Basket's relationship needed to be weighed against my emotional turmoil of waiting..I repeated the part about building our family since 2001 and how each day is another day..how we went from having no hope to lots of hope, that the emotional turmoil of wondering if it will work, the need for it be over, the stress interfering with my work, dissertation, parenting..the growing age gap between my son and whatever child hopefully is to come...all needed to be considered in her judgement
2- This whole process is about powerlessness..My husband and I have absolutely no power or control over any of this..we have to work with doctors and social workers..we have to have someone else carry our baby..we are completely vulnerable and at everyone else's mercy...and here we were, with one more person telling us what is best for us, one more person deciding that they know better than we do..
Egg Basket made a lot of good points and made the social worker explain- but I will let Egg Basket describe her perspective/side of this if she chooses..
Ultimately, the social worker said that she would email the doc and let him know that she thinks it is okay to move forward..of course, since we got no answers for a week, it looks unlikely that or original transfer schedule will hold..we are probably looking at another month just because of the time this has all taken.
So- I won't feel better until someone calls me back (doctor or nurse) and give me a plan..a real plan..with dates and schedules...
As I drove in the car today listening to the Dixie Chicks' song, "So hard"- which was written by two of the band members who had infertility issues, I was struck by the words:
It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you
And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it
And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard
I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

So that is it..it IS so hard...waiting is never easy..but I continue to believe, to hope, to know..the clouds will open up...even if it is in 12 months instead of 10.