So..I've been silent...kind of rare for me..I have been processing. Processing all that has occurred in the last two weeks..from no hope to "beautiful uteruses"... But really, from mommy to the one who can't carry...as much as all of this is wonderful, it has also reminded me of the hard stuff, the part that I can't do, the sense of loss and the feelings of failure that naturally come with that.
If the purpose of this blog is to record our journey and our emotions about this journey, then it is important to me to describe this side of it. I have read too many articles in the NY Times or other "reputable" news sources that make it sound like intended mothers use gestational carriers so they don't get stretch marks..news flash: no woman I have ever known chooses this route as her "preferred method" AND I already have stretch marks!
I want another baby..simple right? If I knew before getting pregnant with my son all that I know now, I would have done it anyway. As his mother, I would do ANYTHING for him..I envision that G-d willing, in a year, I will feel that way about another child. I know that no matter what it takes, if it works, it will be worth it. But I also know what it is like to be pregnant...to feel MY child inside of ME..to look into my son's face and see my own...none of this will be like that.
Being with Egg Basket as she was declared perfect was both exciting and deflating..I am NOT perfect..my uterus is NOT beautiful..and I am NOT capable of doing what she can do..at least not anymore.
My incredible sense of dependence on Egg Basket is sometimes difficult to accept. I mentioned in our mandatory therapy session that there is an incredible sense of inferiority..one that the husbands don't get because they are used to someone else carrying their children...a feeling that only I will feel in this process. Now, let me clarify...Egg Basket does not have a feeling of superiority, nor does she EVER flaunt her skillz...but it doesn't change the reality..I can't do it. I will never feel another child move inside of me, I will never look in this child's face (G-d willing) and see my family features..I will have to tell a complicated story to my child/ren about his/her life story. Again, all worth it..but still I don't think I would be normal if it didn't cause me at least a momentary pause..and as I tell Egg Basket, I AM the mushy-gushy one..I am emotional and sensitive...I DO feel everything..the good and the bad.
So I don't feel bad for myself, and am not asking for that kind of sympathy..but for every woman who has had a child and for those who dream of eventually doing it...imagine not being able to and the kind of mourning that goes with that. For those who choose not to have children, imagine not having the ability to choose. Add the complication of having a really rare disease that is not curable and is completely unpredictable; a fact that is reiterated each time I explain why I need a gestational carrier and know that it is complicated..it is both joyous and scary all at the same time.. Know that I want this baby, with every fiber of my being, but this child is also the essence of my inferiority...this process is as much about what I can't do as it is about the incredible gift that Egg Basket is giving my husband and I..
On that note, I promise not to lament too much..but it is all part of the journey of life we are embarked upon and I am committed to honesty about this process ... Today is just a day that I hate my body and I rue the fate of the universe..a moment where I both celebrate my blessed friendship with Egg Basket, the opportunity I have that many others do not, but also curse the "abnormality" of my life...in short..it is just another day...tomorrow is likely to be better :)
New Blog
15 years ago
I'll be the one to break the ice on this one since it's difficult to say anything to, but I've been there since day one of all of this. In the end, our imperfections are what makes us unique, no matter how sucky they are. And anytime I think of you, I think of Mimi...I think of how much you two are alike. I think of the mother quality that you both have. Even though you may not be able to produce another little Tati, you have this amazing mother quality that will carry with you for the rest of your life. You take people in as if they are your own and you become the mom. I know this isn't the same, I know it's not a replacement, but your heart is big enough to hold the world in it and I'm just glad I have a permanent space in there. I'm with you every step of the way and if you want to talk or need to talk, remember that you're surrounded by a group of people who love you, care for you, and think the world of you..
ReplyDeleteAs I read your blog I shead tear's with you.I love you more then you could ever know.You maybe younger then me but you have always been my true rolemodle.I have wished for so long that I could do something,anything to help you with this pain that you carry.I feel so helpless.It is my job to protect you from the thing's that hurt you and for the first time in my life I CAN'T.I would give you my own son.Lord know's you have been more of a mother to him then his blood mother.But,I know that is not what you truely want.I pray ever night that God gives you the strength to deal with this and I beleive He has.You are the most PERFACT person I have ever know.You have been A mommy to ALL of your brother's and sister sence we were little.Our succsess is because of you.I do not know why God chose this for you but I do believe that he has his reason's.Thou we may not understand it you must be strong.You already know that you are my best friend my love for you can not be measured!I am here for you no matter what you need and no matter what the time.You are my hero,you are my sister.....You are my mommy!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! BE TOUGH !!!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I know we have not "known" each other our whole lives, but I am blessed that we have re-connected, and in this short time I’ve seen strength and compassion that SO many people I meet lack. You, like me, are the STRONG one. Always have been and always will be, but in the midst of being strong, it’s okay to feel weak, only momentarily that it :). It’s okay to feel like you want to scream WTF, but your strength, your knowledge of how it is to be a loving and caring person will carry you through this journey. Life is ironic, mysterious and often unfair. But in the end what matters the most is who we are, who we’ve inspired and the obstacles we’ve over come and of course our loved ones to share those obstacles with. Everyday can’t be sunshine, we’d shrivel up and die if it were, we need rain to replenish ourselves, our souls. You’ll have many more sunny days and some raniy ones too, but with LOVE and HOPE the sunny ones will dominate! Love you xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteSometimes in life, we need to know that someone is there to take care of us. Even if you possess all the strength in the world, you are still my little sister and I will always be the one you can let that guard down with and allow yourself to be taken care of once in a while. I <3 you
ReplyDelete